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Happy Father’s Day!0

Looking for a last minute gift idea?  If so, and if you have an extra $75 million handy, can you please adopt me as your father?  Then we can live happily ever after in this little hovel just outside of Orlando, Florida:

But wait.  No.  I don’t think I could handle living in such a small place.  I mean, s**t.  It only has 30 bedrooms.  Where will Scotty (my third cousin, twice removed—and possibly dead since last time I heard from him) stay if he comes to visit?

At least the 23 bathrooms would make it too hard to choose where to read the paper each morning.  They all have Jacuzzis, by the way.

But parking would be no problem;  the garage is designed to hold 20 cars.

You know I’m house hunting, right?  I suppose you could talk me into this one, if I happen to be in a good mood.

There’s plenty to do thanks to the built-in roller rink, bowling alley, ballroom, and theater.  When we want some sun, we can hang out by one of the three (!) swimming pools, hit some balls at the baseball field (or two tennis courts), or visit the rock grotto with three built in spas—behind an 80-foot waterfall.

And no—I’m not making this up.

When you get hungry you can wander around this giant expanse until you stumble onto one of 10 kitchens, or quench your thirst in the two-story wine cellar.

Yeah, you read that right.  TWO-STORY WINE CELLAR.

Houses like this scare me, if only because being alone in it would be akin to walking into an international airport empty of all workers and travelers . . . like a Twilight Zone episode. 

And by the way, I’ve heard this mansion is a bit of fixer-upper.  Estimates are that another $25 million is needed to make the place livable.

But that’s OK.  We’re fixer-uppers.  Right? 

Now stop reading blogs and go out to do something fatherly.

by John Barker

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