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Humor

Home Improvement from Ivekt0

I don’t know exactly how to start this article. 

I suppose I’ll give you my perspective straight up:  There’s a crazy guy from Moldova (Not Russia!  He makes sure you know that!) who has a series of short videos on  YouTube  about various home maintenance and improvement.  The guy’s name is Ivekt, and his lessons are titled “Domestic Home Hint.”   Is he crazy?  Possibly.  But do I like this guy?  Hell, yeah I like this guy!

Why do I think he’s crazy?

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Iceberg Ice Cubes0

Iceberg!!!!

Well, sort’a.  Once again Fred & Friends  serves up a little bit of twisted fun—this time in the form of the  Gin & Titonic ice cube mold.

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How NOT to Use a Blowtorch – and a Giveaway!49

 

Over the years I’ve become thoroughly convinced that it is in the DNA of many humans (me included) to do stupid things with dangerous objects.  I have not, however, done anything stupid with a blowtorch—yet.

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Danger Bomb Alarm Clock0

If you’re anything like me, you have a hard time waking up in the morning (in my case it’s usually 4:30 AM — gotta get up to feed 240 kids at three different schools.) I can safely say that the alarm blaring incessantly at me is the worst part of my day— except on days my van gets hit by a bulldozer, that is.

So why not wake up with a bang:

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Potty Putter0

Is it just me, or is this a disturbing mental image? 

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Strange House Pets0

Junior wants a puppy for Christmas? 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/habesha/

OK.  But how ’bout something a little more original?

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Soap Dispenser Nose0

Have you ever sneezed in the shower? 

Sure you have.  Even if you don’t want to admit it . . .you have.

But have you ever taken the snot and rubbed it all over your body as a cleaning agent? 

No?  Neither have I.

 

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Hands Off!0

I once had a cousin who would eat all of the food in my house.  Well, not exactly all – but select portions of food, in hopes that we wouldn’t notice.

Let’s take Shrimp Creole, for example.  This spicy, delicious dish has been one of my favorites for years.  I generally prepare it a day ahead of time to let all of the flavors meld together overnight.  And it works great—until your houseguest (my cousin, in this case) sneaks into the fridge at night and eat ALL of the shrimp out of it.  Not one.  Not even a few.  ALL OF THEM.

I suppose what’s left is plain ol’ Creole at that point.  And as a dish, that’s sorely lacking.

And, so, I was happy when I found this thing:  

This is the Fridge Locker I know it looks like a little animal cage (and can probably double as one), but it apparently, its small combination lock, like the one of found on a briefcase, can protect your food from grabbing hands.   

Rather than show you the actual infomercial for the Fridge Locker, watch this sequence from Ellen instead.  Watch it from the beginning and all the way to the end.  

Look like the thing really works – at  least in the hands of a thirsty reporter looking for something to drink. 

At $19.95, this looks like a pretty good investment.  That’s at least how much the shrimp for my Creole cost.

by John Barker

Fun at the Pool0

We are looking to buy a new house.  As I type this, the loan guy is sitting in our current living room going over figures with my girlfriend concerning the purchase of a house with a really nice pool.

I’m not sure I want to own a pool with my house.  They’re a lot of work, plus, well, this: 

While some of these incidents look like they hurt like hell, others are just plain funny.  And yes, I’m guilty of doing at least one of these stunts.  I’m not saying which one, but it did involve a water slide and my head. . .

Next we have an idiot.  Really, truly an idiot.  This video plays to not one, but two of my own personal horrors: drowning and smothering.  Don’t fret, though, he doesn’t drown . . .

At least he didn’t sink all of the way into the cover, then flounder around and die all while his friend shot video instead of helping save him.

So, I guess when all is said and done, I’d like this kind of pool best: 

Designed by Argentinean artist Leandro Erlich for the 21st Century Museum of Contemporary Art in Kanazawa, Japan, I’d take one of these  just so I can sit on the bottom and drink beer.

Will we get our house?  Will it have a pool, a fake pool, or a bucket and some beer?  I’ll keep you posted.

by John Barker

Termites! Part 10

termites

Termites.  I hate them.  I’ve gone mano-a-buggo with these little bastards before, and lemme tell ya somethin’—they are tough.

Basically, there are four types of termites: Dampwood, Drywood, Formosan, and Subterranean.  And I want to rain destruction down on all of them.

But before I degenerate into a work of apocalyptic bloodlust, let’s look at how these little monsters work.

First off, they are often mistaken for ants—which I think is on purpose.  It’s like they go to a costume shop and rent out all of the ant costumes just to sneak into our homes.

ant (http://www.flickr.com/photos/snapr/sets/72157594290565420/)

So, if you see ants in your house, take a moment to study them.  If you look closely, you’ll notice that termites have only two body segments as opposed to the three possessed by ants.  Also note that the wings of termites differ from those of ants in that they have two sets that are identical—ants have two sets that are different in size.  Termites also vary in color depending on caste; worker termites are white, soldiers yellow-brown, and breeders black.

How do you know if your house  is infested by termites?

The most common signs are random piles of sawdust—which actually contain more than just sawdust.  As the termites consume the wood to make these tunnels they . . .well, for lack of a better word, they poop.  The poop, along with saliva and mud (sounds yummy, yeah?),  blends in with the sawdust to create the little piles. 

The piles allow the reproductive termites a means to leave the tunnels and do what they do best, if you get my meaning.  Subterranean termites are the exception as they create elaborate mazes out of mud near the foundation of the house.

Now you know a little about what to look for.  But if you are the victim of a termite infestation, what steps can you take to rid yourself of these critters?

Termites! Part 2 comin’ up in a few days!

by John Barker

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